Oct. 9 - First, an apology. I was originally AWOL due to a (slight) computer problem and sudden increase in work-related demands, but once the temporary problems ceased I found I had been overrun by a Demon Within - the snarly, slobbering, fanged and clawed variety.

Okay, that's overstating things a lot. The simpler explanation is that I was writing a post which was angry in a mean-spiriteded way but my attempts to edit it only made it worse and revealed some things inside that I needed to confront.

I was full of anger, spite and a near vicious attitude toward my fellow Torontonians, and it all came to head at work over coffee, or rather the lack of coffee. It's one of those small, inconsequential kerfuffles that would ordinarily be shrugged off but it became a source of fury for me, and because I knew I was over-reacting I also knew I needed to look within. What I found was a big hole where tolerance and understanding once dwelt.

It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I take a certain amount of heat from co-workers because I am an American. The movie Farenheit 911 gave Bush haters some talking points (let's move quickly past the mentality of those who take their cues from Michael Moore!) and as I actually have a vote in the upcoming election and they don't, it infuriates them that I support the President.

So what does that have to do with coffee? Well, my co-workers want someone to organize and run a coffee pool, and for some reason She who is a Warmonger was also the only person they could think of to organize and run one. Simple persuasion didn't work, so they employed Shameless Flattery.

I know I'm overreaching, but that state of affairs in coffee does seem to have a certain parallel with the state of the world and what the international community expects from the USA.

Is Canada one of the 'allies' Kerry thinks he can bring on board? America, trust me when I say that you are better off without them so long as the mentality that rules Toronto also controls Parliament.

One of the questions in last night's debate was about the experiences of Americans abroad. Anyone who believes that President Bush's policies provoked anti-Americanism is living in a state of denial as to how deep anti-American sentiments ran long before the 2000 elections and September 11.

Vicious attacks on the USA and Americans were written even as the dust was still settling over the hole in Manhatten, and they ranged from "blood is on America's hands so payback is good" to "maybe this will cause Americans to reconsider their place in the world" (which was evidenced in the US press as "why do they hate us" columns and editorials.)

So I'm still trying to get the Demon of Resentment under control and I don't want to inflict that kind of negativity on anyone (or do I just want to keep it hidden from everyone?) but maybe the rest of the world needs to know that we Americans sometimes make up for our lack of nuance by keeping our mouths shut but that silence is not to be mistaken for compliance or acceptance of their judgement but rather a willingness to bide our time, have our election, and proceed from there.

Mark November 2 on your calendars. I predict that Americans will speak very loudly that day, and the world should indeed worry about the re-election of President Bush because he may be above settling old scores but I'm not guaranteeing that the rest of us can live up to his example.

I owe personal apologies to those who emailed me and to whom I haven't responded. It was hard to compose letters when I couldn't compose myself, but I am dedicating Thanksgiving Day to wading through the spam in my Inbox and responding.

I know I owe a more profound and lengthy apology for my unexplained absence (a simple post that I was taking a break should have been made) but it's taken nearly three days to get this out and I have to face the fact that I'm unlikely to be happy with the lengthier apology but writing one will only allow me to procrastinate posting a mea culpa.

And the Coffee Issue? I solved it in a good ol' American way: I bought a thermos and bring my own coffee to work.

Speaking of work, I'm on an afternoon shift and have to go. More later.

Update Oct. 10 - 15:57 Thank you all for your support and encouragement. As I said, I have to battle a mean-spiritedness that is creeping into me and try to remain focused on the issues.

On or around Sept. 12, 2001, it occurred to me that part of the reason the USA is subject to so many misconceptions and slanders might in part be due to the fact that many of us who live abroad have tended to shrug our shoulders rather than respond to the attacks both in the media and from people with whom we interact.

Americans who live in Canada can "pass" for Canadian, and thus hear more slurs on our country than US citizens in other countries who would often be immediately indentifiable by their accents. My usual response in the past was to inform them that I was an American, and the usual response of an attacker would be to change the subject (which meant dropping the attack.) I now wonder if I should have pressed a counter-attack (in a very polite way, of course) which would have provided more talking points post Sept. 11.

I have questioned wearers of Kerry buttons as to whether they are American citizens, and haven't encountered one who is.

But I wear my Bush-Cheney button proudly, and when confronted, I say brightly "I'm an American citizen" confident that this announcement explains everything. It does take people aback! They haven't quite figured out the implications of a Bush victory, especially the impact on an American electorate that will finally leave hanging chad memories in the past and stride forward with a firm mandate for the President.

Expect lots of wailing as ex-pats who waited for the last minute find themselves unable to vote (these wankers think the Pentagon should assist them? The connection with the US for private citzens abroad is through the State Department, which could provide new fodder for the ineptitude of that department but certainly doesn't reflect on the President.) Expect impatience and dismissal from those of us who maintained our status on the Voter's List.

Those who didn't value their voting rights sufficiently to maintain them may find they have temporarily lost them. Talk about your Basic Life Lessons ... Mom and Dad are proven right yet again.

Note to Tim G.: Good on you! I'd love to see a tally of ex-pat voters but I think we'll be grouped with military personnel as absentee ballots and, as I can't imagine being in finer company, I'll willingly forgo the chance to counter Democrat whines that President Bush has made the world more "uncomfortable" for Americans and be content with victory.

Posted by: Debbye at 09:47 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
Post contains 1212 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Welcome Back, Debbye! We missed you, especially those of us who share your 'transplanted' predicament. :-)

Posted by: Austin at October 09, 2004 11:36 AM (MC14X)

2 Welcome back. I just sent in my ballot - in support of the entire Republican ticket. I too can hardly find a Bush supporter at work. Even my American neighbor is brainwashed. Overcoming the liberal media is difficult for most people. Too few read blogs.

Posted by: Tim G. at October 09, 2004 05:24 PM (6JOPU)

3 Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I came here with the intent of searching through your archives again for clues about what your American hometown is so's I could expand my search for you. I checked the Toronto Sun's obituaries of the days following you sudden absence. At first it could have been just a 'puter glitch. But a week went by, then a month. After a while I honestly thought you were dead, and I wanted to try to find out how just so's the Munuvians who were worrying about your sudden lack of posting could at least have some measure of closure. I feel like Chief Brody seeing Matt Hooper surface at the end of JAWS. We have strange demons within. But, I think that what yours may be is actually not a demon, but a virtue: plain ol' common civility. Maybe I'm mistaken but it sounds to me that the prob is that you find it difficult to put up with the brash and petty hostility of T.O. America-haters. That's understandable; I'd hate it, too. But if they want you to run the office pool then they're not shutting you out completely. Maybe you can soften their outlook; but it wont be through debate. Nope. Just be respected by them for one reason -- as you clearly are. Debate politics if you want to, but don't sink to their level of course. Whenever I find myself in a debate with a barking moonbat (as opposed to a "rational" moonbat) I just say, with a chuckle, "You're not really in a debating mood. Maybe we should talk about this later." It usually gets me out of there and, hopefully, makes them think about how they're treating me just for disagreeing. Chin up! And welcome back!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at October 09, 2004 07:46 PM (QzJ0r)

4 Very glad to see you back. I have number of thing such as you described as unpublished drafts. And also a number of filler posts on standby. Sometimes I find it helps to write out a horrific rant, edit it to perfection and delete it.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at October 09, 2004 08:54 PM (U3CvV)

5 Welcome back!!! Sometimes it's best to just walk away for a bit. You were missed, even by some of us who didn't send email.

Posted by: Ted at October 09, 2004 09:53 PM (ZjSa7)

6 Debbye!!!!!! Yay!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at October 09, 2004 10:26 PM (+S1Ft)

7 Welcome back, Debbye... good to "see" you again!

Posted by: Madfish Willie at October 09, 2004 11:04 PM (iCGe/)

8 Hooray!! What a pleasant surprise. Welcome back!!

Posted by: mikem at October 10, 2004 04:24 PM (EzNXf)

9 I received, marked, and returned my absentee ballot last week for Bush/Cheney (that's the only race I can vote for, though), so add me to your tally of Americans living uncomfortably abroad. ;-)

Posted by: Austin at October 10, 2004 04:56 PM (idy1o)

10 Missed you and I'm glad you're back!

Posted by: marybeth at October 10, 2004 05:14 PM (8bCu3)

11 Lord, I've never been so happy to see a post! I was worried about you, girlfriend!

Posted by: Ith at October 10, 2004 05:21 PM (J19VG)

12 Christ, I was really beginning to think that something nasty might have happened to you. Welcome back, luv, you've been sorely missed.

Posted by: Paul Jané at October 11, 2004 01:01 AM (Ps6cF)

13 Missed you like crazy!! Truly mean had me worried about ya!

Posted by: Dex at October 11, 2004 01:25 AM (gOtVe)

14 Debbye, Hello! Hello! Those above have already said it . . .

Posted by: Robert at October 11, 2004 04:27 AM (rQeze)

15 Welcome back, Debbye. And by all means, continue to beat up on Canadian politicians and media. If you don't, I'll have to do it, and it's a never-ending task.

Posted by: gnotalex at October 11, 2004 02:52 PM (joY+o)

16 Deb- Welcome back!! I know exactly what you mean by the creeping mean spiritedness. I work in Chicago for a municiple agency that is rabidly Dem. I have to learn to throttle back. I recognized it when one of my fellow employee's started talking about Kerry and how he is the next messiah and the lines from Shakespear's Coriolanus went through my head: You common cry of curs whose breath I hate, Who reek 'o the rotten fens, Who's love I prize as the carcasses of dead unburied men that do corrupt my air I banish you!! I'm getting better at handling these situations but it is tough...

Posted by: Rich Cook at October 11, 2004 05:05 PM (Km34P)

17 Debbye, it's SO good to read yout thoughts again! I had resigned myself to thinking you were gone-- in what sense, I had no idea. You have made my 2004 much brighter! (Maybe you should switch to Half-Caf!)......

Posted by: Timbre at October 12, 2004 12:04 AM (nO30W)

18 I was worried but then I remembered this. Yes, Zathros remember. Zathros stop worrying. *** In June 2258, the Grey Council summoned Delenn to meet with them. They offered her the position of leader of the Grey Council, a post that had been vacant since Dukhat died. Delenn refused the position, believing that she had a destiny to help fulfill the prophecy that Humans and Minbari would work together. She acquired one of the triluminaries and returned to Babylon 5 where she began constructing a chrysalis device. The next month, Mr. Morden visited Delenn to ask her, "What do you want?" This alerted her to the return of the Shadows. She continued building her chrysalis device for several months until December when she sent Lennier to confirm her suspicions with Ambassador Kosh. Lennier asked, "Have the Shadows returned to Z'ha'dum?" Kosh replied, "Yes." Delenn realized that the time of the next Shadow War that had been foretold by Valen was upon them. She felt it was her duty to help fulfill prophecy by building a bridge between the Minbari and the Humans so that they could work together to defeat the Shadows. She used the triluminary to activate the device she had built, and it entombed her in a chrysalis. *** Welcome back.

Posted by: Flea at October 12, 2004 12:00 PM (jTd4T)

19 Welcome back! I'd just discovered your blog and had been reading for a couple of weeks when you vanished. Having lived in Canada for a number of years I'm familiar with your experience as you describe it. My own experience led to my feeling frustrated by the ignorance, much of it willful, around me. Eventually I understood that much of the bitterness about the US in Canada had more to do with the elusiveness of 'Canadian Identity' and an enormous underlying anger in most of Canada at what holds the country together. Blaming the US for pretty-much everything seemed to me unhealthy and a laughably easy way out. However it's human and therefore understandable. Knowing this made things a lot easier for me. Not worth the grief. Their disease, not mine. I still argued, but not viscerally any more. Again, glad you're back and looking forward. Nex

Posted by: Alan at October 12, 2004 09:43 PM (F6vzi)

20 Welcome back! Like many who've posted congrats before me, I was saddened when it appeared that you'd given up blogging. Your page had become a daily read. Keep up the good work!! Don't let Toronto get you down - it's a weird town, even by Canadian standards. I lived there for a couple of years and I know what the people there can be like. It's by no means representative of the Canadian people.

Posted by: Martin at October 12, 2004 10:55 PM (bvK+g)

21 Welcome back! I, too, was worried for you. I'm a Yank in Ottawa, and have dealt with the same things you describe for decades. One of the details which bothers me is that I sometimes find myself having to defend certain US policies which I might not actually agree with. (I'm glad, though, that I can support most of Bush's policies from the get-go.) Rather than discussing the policies, my experience is that many Canadians seem to attack the States as a country first, and talk about ideas only as an afterthought. I find the need to step back and be glad that I'm not in charge of the politics, and not let any of the 'stupidity' around me get to me.

Posted by: Paul at October 13, 2004 11:29 PM (FHiJd)

22 Hey Deb, welcome back! I sorta suspected it was a matter of backing off to gain perspective, but yeah, we got a little worried at the complete lack of info on the page; hell, Steve Den Beste at least documented his reasons for hiatus (and got even more crap directed his way by people who felt he *owed* it to them/us to continue posting). I only invoke SDB because I originally found your link through USS Clueless and had to suffer through two of my favourite sites going inactive. I missed your voice and am glad you're back. Thanks to Michael and Anthony at Canadian Headhunter for the heads up regarding your return.

Posted by: John H at October 14, 2004 12:37 AM (Z6f/b)

23 Welcome back! I liked this entry so much I'm going to post the entire thing at my blog....

Posted by: Roundhead at October 14, 2004 09:38 AM (fOyx5)

24 Hey, welcome back. And I mean that in the most sincere way. Like many others, I was getting worried about what had become of you. Hang in there. This presidential election must be a particularly bad time for Americans in Canada, at least for Bush supporters. As a Canadian whose immunity to the anti-American virus remains intact, I sometimes feel like those folks in Dawn of the Dead, trying to keep my wits about me in a sea of zombies. Blogs like yours help.

Posted by: keith at October 14, 2004 10:59 AM (xfdnu)

25 My sincere apologies to you all. I feel even more guilty now than when I finally resurfaced, and I'm really sorry for causing so much worry. I really let you all down by letting myself be distracted by the small sh*t instead of keeping my eyes on the end zone. I just finished writing "I won't dwell on the little stuff" 500 times on the blackboard ... I trust the lesson will stick.

Posted by: Debbye at October 17, 2004 07:32 PM (YN7Kb)

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